When we moved into our house, we attempted to, er, make some improvements in the garage, which has washer/dryer hookups. The washer and dryer work, as local friends know, but the rest of the project remains incomplete, and will likely be either torn out or finished by a professional when we have the time and money.

On Wednesday of last week, we went with our friends (if you know them, you know to whom I’m referring) to inspect a house on which they’d made an offer. The home inspector was very thorough and professional, which heightened the funny factor considerably when things started to go badly. Very badly. Yurodivuie says:

Julie, our inspector, summoned us to the crawlspace. I crouched and shuffled forward under the porch to the 3×3 door in the side of the house. Almost immediately she pointed to one of the walls and said something about a “extreme” and “structural engineer”.

It was a crack in the wall almost an inch wide.

Backing up a bit: the house is at the base of a small hill, but is also just above a precipitous descent of about 8 feet to the adjacent lot. As I looked at that crack (and the sister crack on the opposite side of the house), I realized that the whole house was slowly cracking in half, with one half drooping toward the neighbor’s yard. This explained the sloping floors inside. It was clearly obvious that the house was shifting. Down.

A moment later she pulled back a tarp and said, “Oh… oh Jesus. Wait, I’m not supposed to say that. I’m not supposed to scare the client.”

In the end, the litany of sins against this house which elicited (nay, required) an invocation of the mercy of Christ included: extreme cracks in the foundation, as well as significant undermining, a tear off roof, heating available in only 1 room, aluminum wiring, amateur plumbing, a deck that was on it’s way to falling off the side of the building (as well as signs of many many rats).

It didn’t matter. I knew of only two things that could utterly destroy a house, that could end any thought of occupying said location: termites and a damaged foundation. As soon as I saw that crack, I knew that we would be withdrawing the offer.

Fortunately, they’ve found a newer, better house to buy, and we have all learned a valuable lesson: never, ever hack your house in any way that is supposed to require a professional.

This hit home for me when I noticed Julie using the word “amateur” as she pointed out various hack-jobs that had been done on the disaster-house.

If you’d like to see some amazing home “improvement” projects noticed by home inspectors, check out the following galleries from This Old House: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5